My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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