i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
