Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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