It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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