Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
