Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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