sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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