I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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