I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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