Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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