you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
