I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
