Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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