I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
