Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My feet surprised me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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