He had one of those small greek statue penises
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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