Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
