6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
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Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
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I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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