i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
