I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
