wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
