Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
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