So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Couch. On fire.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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