I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
