my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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