Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
