Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
