Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
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