I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
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I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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