Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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