I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
