I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
