Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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