My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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