so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
