i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
