so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
