I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
