Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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