you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I yelled at your uterus for you.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
