Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
