Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
