Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
