dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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