I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
