im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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