I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
