I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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