shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
