I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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