Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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