We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
