I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
