Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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