i need an iv and a liver transplant
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
