Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
