someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
