drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
