I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
