I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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